ACT TWO

FADE IN:
17 INT. DUNGEON - DAY 17

Joxer is deep in befuddled thought while Gabrielle paces nervously.

JOXER
So what you're saying is, Xena and
Diana are exact look-alikes.

GABRIELLE
Right.

JOXER
Oh, boy. That means I assaulted royalty. I'm in trouble.
(beat)
But on the bright side, Xena still has a thing for me.

GABRIELLE
Impossible.
(sees Joxer is hurt by this statement)
No offense, Joxer, but you're just not her type.

JOXER
Well, she's certainly making do with my type. Let
me tell you what we did in that tavern.

GABRIELLE
That's not necessary. I wish I knew what was
wrong with her.

JOXER
It's simple really. She's been struck by Cupid's
arrow. It's love, Gabrielle. But don't worry, I'm
prepared to do the honorable thing.

GABRIELLE
Leave?

JOXER
No. Marry her. We could all travel together. Xena
and I could be like a mother and father to you.

GABRIELLE
(pounding on the door)
We got to get out of here.

The door opens and Meg (as Diana) appears.

MEG
Xena told me all about the plan.

GABRIELLE
What is the plan?

MEG
I can't tell you. But you'll have to stay here.
(to Joxer)
She also explained the misunderstanding with you.

JOXER
I'm terribly sorry, Your Highness. I'm lower than rat's droppings.

Forgive me, please.

MEG
Of course. It was just an honest
mistake. Now come with me.

Joxer moves out the door. Gabrielle starts to follow. Meg gives her a push back into the cell.

MEG
Sorry. Remember the plan.

JOXER
(as the door closes)
Will you tell me the plan?

MEG
Of course.

GABRIELLE
(enraged)
Joxer gets to hear the plan but I
don't!

MEG
Xena's orders. She's very fond of him,
you know.

The last thing Gabrielle sees before the door closes is Joxer's self-satisfied grin. Gabrielle kicks the door and lets out an angry growl, as we:

CUT TO:

Meg and Joxer make their way down the hall.

JOXER
So what's the plan?

She pins him to the wall and plants a delicious kiss on his lips.

JOXER
(coming up for air)
This is the plan?

NURSE (O.C.)
Your Highness.

Meg turns to see a plump Wet Nurse at the end of the hall, holding the royal baby.

MEG
(irritated)
Yes.

NURSE
It's time for the baby's nap. You know how she can't

drift off unless you sing a lullaby to her.

MEG
Alright, alright. Go on to the
nursery. I'll catch up to you there.

The Nurse exits with the baby.

MEG
Wait for me in my room. I won't be
long.

She hurries off in the direction the Nurse went. Joxer pulls himself together.

JOXER
Maybe I should'just go with this.

CUT TO:
19 EXT. COURTYARD - DAY 19
Philemon sits on a bench looking dismayed. Xena approaches.

XENA
Philemon.

Philemon leaps up.

PHILEMON

Xena, you should be ashamed of yourself. The entire castle is talking about how you brought your boyfriend in here. Do you know he actually made a pass at Diana?

XENA
My boyfriend? What are you talking
about? I just got here.

PHILEMON
Oh, stop playing the fool. I was there
yesterday when you arrived, remember?

Xena thinks for a moment, trying to figure out exactly what's going on.

XENA
Have you seen Diana and I together at
all since you say I arrived.

PHILEMON
Yes. You know I have.

Xena is stunned by this response.

PHILEMON
Look, I know about your past, I know you can be rough sometimes, but we have a crisis here. You have to concentrate on the buisness at hand. Agis and I feel --

XENA
Who's Agis?

PHILEMON
For the love of the gods, pull yourself together. Agis is the advisor you brought with you from Thebes.

XENA
Philemon, we have a real problem here. You need to arrest this Agis and double the guard on the King.

PHILEMON
Why would I do that?

XENA
Someone is pretending to be me.

PHILEMON:
You're losing your mind, Xena my
advice to you is to lay off the wine.

He exits, leaving a frustrated Xena behind.

CUT TO:

20 INT. NURSERY - DAY

Meg (as Diana) sits on a chair by a cradle. She's singing a barroom ballad (a la "A 100 Bottles of Beer on the Wall") to the baby. The baby's wailing up a storm. The Nurse stands by, looking appalled.

CUT TO:

21 INT. DIANA'S ROOMS - DAY

Joxer is standing in front of a mirror, primping for his latest rendezvous.

JOXER
Joxer, face it. You're irresistible. Why should you deny yourself to these needy women?

Xena enters.

XENA
Joxer, what are you doing here?

JOXER
Xena. I don't know how to break this to you... I best just spit it out. Princess Diana wants me.

XENA
She what?

JOXER
I can see the pain in your face but, you should know, I've decided there's enough of me to go around. Hey, lets be adults about it. It doesn't mean you and I can't still have some fun.

He reaches out to carress her breasts. She slaps his hand away.

XENA
Are you suicidal?

JOXER

Want to play hard to get, huh? That's
fine with me.

He hooks his finger behind the leather above her cleavage and pulls her toward him. She answers with a straight right to nose that sends him flying over Diana's bed. Xena picks him up and slams him against the wall.

XENA
You have some explaining to do. For
starters, where's Gabrielle?

JOXER
She's still in the dungeon where you
put her.

XENA
What?

They hear FOOTSTEPS. Xena grabs Joxer and pulls him behind a curtain. They hide there as:

MEG AND AGIS enter.

MEG
I don't know what your gripe is, Aggie.
I'm doing everything you want me to do.

AGIS
And more. Try staying away from that
clown ioxer.

INTERCUT WITH:
JOXER AND XENA
behind the curtain. Joxer takes offense and is about to step out from behind the curtain. Xena puts a commanding hand on his shoulder and keeps him in place.

MEG
I think he's cute.

Xena throws a bemused look at Joxer, who wears his most debonair expression.

AGIS
You better not mess this up.

MEG
Look whols talking.

AGIS
What does that mean?

MEG

You were supposed to keep the real Xena away from here. The last time I looked she was making herself quite at home. What kind of small time operation are you running here anyway, Aggie?

Agis pulls his sword and points it at Meg's throat.

Joxer is about to charge. Xena restrains him, but draws her own sword and holds it at the ready.

AGIS
(ice cold)
Don't talk to me that way. A despicable slag like you should find it an honor to work with a man like me. And my name is Agis, not Aggie.

MEG
Take it easy, now, Agis.

AGIS
You're going to do exactly like I say
from now on, correct?

MEG
Exactly.

AGIS
Good. I'll worry about Xena, you worry
about your curtsy. It's horrid.

He exits. Meg goes to the mirror and starts halfheartedly working on her curtsy. Joxer and Xena take advantage of the opportunity to sneak out.

CUT TO:

22 INT. DUNGEON - DAY

Gabrielle is fuming. She's working her frustration out on a mattress, which she's kicking viciously.

GABRIELLE
Hey, Warrior Princess, try this on for
size.

She gives the mattress another kick, just as the door opens and Xena and ioxer appear.

GABRIELLE
I figured out the plan. YOU'RE TRYING
TO DRIVE ME INSANE!

XENA
Let's go.

She exits with a still angry Gabrielle following.

23 EXT. COURTYARD - DAY

CLOSE ON THE ROYAL BABY

She's crying.

WIDER

to show the Nurse carrying the baby across the courtyard.

NURSE
Don't worry, sweetheart. We won't ask
mommy to sing for you anymore.

She enters the castle, just before:

Xena, Gabrielle and Joxer enter the courtyard from a different entrance.

XENA
There's someone pretending to be the princess. Our first action has to be finding Diana and making sure she's safe.

GABRIELLE
Wait a minute! I believe you when you say there's another lookalike here. That would explain everything. But how do I know you're the real Xena.

Xena nonchalantly grabs her chakram, glances around and lets it fly.

ON THE CHAKRAM

as it careens off of walls, posts, pillars, splits a water bucket in two, decapitates a row of flowers and flies back toward Gabrielle's head. Just before it splits her face open, Xenals hand reaches out and grabs it, an inch from Gabrielle's nose.

GABRIELLE
Hi, Xena. Am I glad to see you.

XENA
We're gonna split up and search the castle. They might have hid Diana here.

JOXER
Well, how will I know who's who?

XENA
If you're talking to a woman who looks just like me and she has any interest whatsoever in you as a man -- that's the bad one.

JOXER
(knowing smile)
She is bad.

GABRIELLE
(under her breath)
Not to mention tasteless.

CUT TO:

24 EXT. CASTLE - DAY

Alcibiades rides toward the castle. Suddenly, Meg steps out from a bush. She's holding the end of a rope. The other end of the rope is still in the bushes. SHE'S DRESSED AS DIANA.

MEG
Alcibiades.

Alcibiades pulls up his horse and studies Meg carefully.

ALCIBIADES
Meg?

MEG
Of course it's me. Who else would know
your name?
(gestures toward the bushes)
Look what I got.

She pulls on the rope and a bound-and-gagged Gabrielle stumbles out of the bushes.

MEG
We found her snooping around. Agis wants you to take her to the same place you're hiding Diana. That way we'll have two cards to play against Xena.

Alcibiades studies Meg carefully.

ALCIBIADES
Alright, give me the rope.

MEG
I'm coming, too. Xena's figured this whole thing out and I don't want to be anywhere around her. I'm terrified of that warrior witch. If I come, maybe you and I can relax a little later on.

Alcibiades studies her for a moment and then suddenly draws his sword and drives it down toward Meg's head. Meg CRIES OUT in fright and freezes. The sword stops an inch from her scalp. Alcibiades lets out a LAUGH.

ALCIBIADES
Sorry. Had to make sure you weren't
Xena.
(nods toward Gabrielle)
Bring her along.

He rides back the way he came. Meg and Gabrielle follow.

CUT TO:

25 INT. CAVE - DAY

Diana sits tied to posts that are driven into the wall of the cave. Three thugs squat a few feet away, dicing for dinars. Diana looks weak. Alcibiades, Meg and Gabrielle enter.

MEG
Hey, boys.

The thugs all give her a familiar nod. She walks up to Diana and grins down at her. Gabrielle is shoved down beside Diana, and Alcibiades begins tying her up.

MEG
How you doing, Princess?

DIANA
Not well. I'll be dead soon.

MEG
Why's that?

DIANA
I've been sitting on this cold ground. for almost an entire day. How could anyone survive that?

GABRIELLE
(to Diana)

A cold bottom isn't really fatal.

MEG
(to Gabrielle)
Yeah, but listening to you babble on
nonstop may cause her to kill herself.

All the thugs chuckle.

MEG
(to the thugs)
Hey, watch what I'm going to do to the
little brat.

The thugs all get up and stoop over to watch what torture Meg is going to inflict on the brat. Meg reaches out to touch Gabrielle, but then suddenly spins around and clocks all three thugs in succession in the Mother of All Three Stooges slaps. THIS ISN'T MEG. IT WAS XENA THE ENTIRE TIME. She then kicks Alcibiades.in the groin, grabs his sword, and cuts Diana and Gabrielle free. Alcibiades and the thugs have scrambled to their feet by now and the fight is on.

ON XENA

She crashes two heads together and then uses the cave wall to run up, push off, do a back flip and kick two of the thugs in the jaw simultaneously.

ON GABRIELLE

as she grabs a club and manages to slam Alcibiades to the ground with a surprise attack from the rear. He scrambles to his feet and dashes out of the cave. We see him leap on his horse and gallop away.

ON DIANA

She watches one of the thugs land at her feet. Dazed, he struggles to get up. She daintily picks up her skirt hem and THEN LETS GO WITH A VICIOUS KICK TO HIS JAW.

ON XENA AND GABRIELLE

as they exchange surprised glances.

CUT TO:
26 INT. CASTLE - CORRIDOR #4 DAY

A furious Agis is talking to a flustered-looking Alcibiades.

AGIS
You imbecile. Do you know what's at stake here? If we can put Meg on the throne we will control the most powerful army in Boeotia. Conquests you've never dreamed of are in our grasp. And you lead Xena directly to our hideout.

ALCIBIADES
What are we going to do about Xena?
Now that she has Diana, there's nothing
stopping her from coming after you.

AGIS
There's still one card left to play.

CUT TO:

27 EXT. CASTLE - DAY

Xena, still dressed as the Princess but carrying a sword, stalks toward the castle. Gabrielle and Diana hurry to keep up.

28 INT. NURSERY - DAY

The door opens and Xena, Diana, Gabrielle and Philemon enter. Diana screams out in horror when she sees:

THE CRADLE

It's empty.

ON DIANA

DIANA
They took my baby.

ON XENA

We CLOSE IN on her concerned face.

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT TWO